It’s been 100 days since I last consumed alcohol. Triple digits. I’m honestly a little too tired to feel very excited, but I did want to write a celebratory post, one in which I share a little bit about how my life has changed in this time.
But before I list those things, another brief update: Mom got through her surgery like a champ, and said she walked 70 feet today with walker assistance. Big progress.
My biopsy results seem to be done already, and to my uneducated eye, they look negative for cancer. But I’ll wait for the doctor’s official result. Still, I feel slight relief.
So, on to how life is different (spoiler alert: “different” mostly means “better!”).
- I’m learning to feel, identify my feelings, and manage how I respond to those feelings.
- Honesty has become much easier. I used to believe I was an honest person, but it’s much truer since I started getting honest with myself.
- I’m nicer. Seriously. I feel less angry than I did when I was drinking, and when I do get angry, I handle it better, most of the time (see no. 1).
- I’m more productive. I mean, I’m still kinda lazy sometimes, but I get stuff done when it needs to be, mostly, and I’m not as likely to put things off due to fear.
- I’m less afraid. Again, I used to think I was fearless, but I was incorrect about that. Now, I realize how many of my actions were rooted in fear while I was drinking. I’m learning to be vulnerable, now. And I get a lot more done now, since I’m not so scared of “what will happen.”
- I’m more accepting. I’ve gotten much better at taking people at face value and not making assumptions or judgements about them. I also accept that I’m not perfect, but that I can always strive to be better. And I accept that I am just not in control of the world, just my perception of it. It’s up to me to see the beauty in life.
- Life is pretty damn beautiful. And I know how lucky I am to be living it.
- I am (irregularly) making progress on my hobbies again, and adding new ones. I’ve gotten back into painting and photography. I’m writing again (can you believe it, reader?). I intermittently yoga and meditate–still need to make better practice of these. Also, hiking. Hiking is really fun!
- I sleep better. Even when I wake up for no good reason, I’m not waking up hungover or still drunk. And I usually can get back to sleep. And my dreams are pretty wild–even the drinking ones (yes, they happen, and they can be pretty scary, but relieving in a way, too).
- Last, but not least, I believe. I believe in something bigger than me, in a much more concrete (if undefined) way than I used to. I also believe in myself, much more than I did. I have self-esteem, I see my value, and I believe there is space for me in the world. I believe that I belong, and that I’m not quite so alone as I used to feel I was.
So, there you have it. By no means an exhaustive list, just what my slightly sleepy brain can come up with. I’m grateful to be here, now. Life is good.
And I’m grateful to you, for reading.
Until next time!